You are loved!
Can you believe me when I emphatically say you are loved? Perhaps some of you can’t but I hope it isn’t so. We are immersed in a culture that talks a lot about love, especially on those calendar days that are perfect for marketing roses, chocolate, and romantic getaways; as a result, it is easy to become a bit cynical about being loved the way we need or think we should be when we are keenly aware of our own personal flaws and failures and those of the people around us. Yet, my oft quoted friend Kahlil Gibran is convinced that “Love... It surrounds every being and extends slowly to embrace all that shall be” therefore, even when we are not aware of it, we ARE loved. (Yes, we are from different eras and different cultures, but Khalil’s words of wisdom have supported me during very difficult and joyful times for more than half a century, so technically, he is my friend and we’re on a first-name basis!)
Sounding like a Hallmark card Gibran believes that “Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit.” My own life feels so much more beautiful and productive when I am aware of the love that surrounds me. I can fall in a pit of guilt and despair when I feel rejected, judged, or ignored by someone I love, so I try to make a conscious effort to look for the affirmation I need inside myself and elsewhere.
Where do we discover love? Listen to Rumi:
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.”
When we consciously avoid judgments, we can lay down in contemplation of another human being and discover love. My friend Kahlil suggests: "To be closer to God, be closer to people." Our soul fills with awe then ―truly a spiritual experience. We wonder how can this be? How can I be so fortunate? Do I really deserve this? ―Yes, if my God is a god of immeasurable love and forgiveness, I AM loved and I DO deserve it!
This experience is not to be taken for granted. Kahlil adds, “Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity” and "The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you but in what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says but rather to what he does not say."
In Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life, Henri Nouwen describes friendship in similar terms: “The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” The self-control necessary to be that kind of a friend sometimes eludes me, but as I mature, I am much more aware of the effort it takes to be a good friend. The more I practice, the better I become at it. The better I become at being a good friend, the more I appreciate my friends’ efforts to give me the love I need (not necessarily what I want!)
My mother used to say that the heart is a muscle that gets bigger the more we use it, so the more people we love, the more room is in it to include other loves. Sometimes I run into people that only seem to be loving to their families, close friends, and others that look like them, behave like them, and have identical values. Those people are easy to love if we love ourselves. It is much harder to love those that scare us because they are different from us in the way they look, speak, or act. Still, the more we exercise our love muscle, the stronger it gets and the easier it gets to love those that make us feel uncomfortable, doubtful, or even angry.
I have a dear friend that for many years I’ve thought might consider a close friend anybody that is nice to him. I want to believe that I am a bit more discerning about who I consider a true friend, not a mere acquaintance.
Marilyn Monroe says, “I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
Alice Walker adds, “No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.”
We can and should be open and vulnerable to invite love and friendship into our lives, but we must be clear about the boundaries we need to defend in order to love ourselves in a healthy way. In order to have the courage, self-control, and empathy to be a good friend and lover we must surround ourselves with people that allow us to speak our mind, stand up for what is right, and make room for our mistakes to teach us how to be a better person.
Do you believe me now that you are loved? What gets in your way of accepting loving and being loved as a way of life?
La Ñapita
Check out “To love a body not because it’s perfect but because it shelters you,” a series of microfilms directed by Melissa Crespo featuring poems from Love Poems in Quarantine by Sarah Ruhl (Copper Canyon Press, 2022).
